My Collar
by Chaos of Hearts
Summary: Collars are for dogs. But we all know a wolf with one. The story behind Hige's collar. Mild angst.
1. Do You Mind?

**My Collar**

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This is my little view of how Hige got the collar we all know as a familiar part of him. The 1st paragraph is kind of a prologue. After that it's Hige's POV. I'd have a blast if I owned Wolf's Rain, wouldn't I? But I don't. Damn.****

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**Do You Mind?**

****The four wolves had stopped for the night. The youngest was, as usual, letting his curiosityget the better of him. There was a question he'd been itching to ask the tan wolf for a long time now. "Hige?" The larger wolf doesn't look at him, "what Toboe?""Do you mind if I ask you something?" "Go ahead." "Why do you wear that collar?" The question stops him mid stretch.****

My collar? How dare he bring that up. Young and naive or not, that's none of his business. I seethe in silent rage a few moments, trying to regain control of myself. The last person that asked me that wound up unconscious and bleeding. But that was an idiot, this is a friend. I sigh and lay down. "I don't want to talk about it." 'Cause it hurts too much, and because I don't want to hurt you, Toboe. "But....," he persists. "Drop it Toboe," the grey wolf cuts him off. "But Tsume...." "It's none of our business anyway." Thank you Tsume. Toboe's ears droop a little, "guess you're right. Sorry Hige." "It's all right kid." 

I try to be myself. But now I'm thinking about it. I drift back to that day, years ago. When I lost her, and this, was all I had left. The full moon, the shot, the blood. It all comes rushing back to me. I was so young, so small then. This collar didn't fit me then. It was much too big. But it was all she left me. And gradually, I grew into it. To this day though, I swear I can still smell her all over it. I gaze up at the stars. It's been what, nine, ten years? Ten years without you Mom. And I still miss you everyday. 

I'm not your little baby anymore. I've even managed to find a pack of my own. Sure it's not much. Just the four of us. Kiba, Tsume, Toboe and me. But still, we're together. I'm not alone anymore. Like I always was before my snowflake found me. Or should I say, I found him. Huh, my snowflake. When did I start calling Kiba that? But he reminds me of myself so much. After I lost you, I had nothing left. All I could do, was keep going. So I did what you told me. But I couldn't leave everything behind. So your collar, became mine. 

The first couple years were hard without you. I was just a pup, didn't have a clue. But I scraped by somehow. The city I found wasn't much, and I hated the human form I was forced to take. It was enough to keep me alive though. And that's all it took, until Kiba came along. I don't really know how long Tsume and I were both in that city and never knew about each other. Finding Toboe there was a surprise too. 

As long as I've been alone, it feels strange. Being with a pack. Actually with someone, not by myself. Looking around me, I can't help but smile a little. Toboe's cuddled up to Tsume, something no one else could ever do. And Kiba's curled close to me, nose buried in his snowy tail. Poor thing's like me, hasn't had anyone to snuggle with for warmth in so long he's forgotten what it's like. But so had I. It's a good feeling. 

I have something new to live for. I'll always have your memory, and no one will ever take your collar from me. But there's been a hole in my heart for so long. It just had to be filled. Sooner or later. I chuckle to myself, but I didn't know snowflakes could be so warm. You gave your life to keep me safe mother. So now, I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep Kiba and the others safe as well. I'm grateful for what you did, and I'll love you forever. But I can't keep avoiding the subject, of the collar 'round my neck. One of these days, they're going to find out. And I don't know what I'll do when that day comes. 

_Chaos:_ Here's chapter 1. Kinda sad huh? Hope you like it. No hijinks in this one. That's for the next chapter. See ya then. (And no, Hige doesn't like Kiba _that _way.) 


	2. The Snowflake

Chapter 2 here people. Kiba's starting to get kinda curious himself. So he and Hige have a little talk. Oh yeah, FYI: snowflake is Hige's nickname for Kiba. 

**The Snowflake**

****"Hige?" "Yeah Kiba?" "You don't like talking about you collar, do you?" Not you too Kiba. Is it that interesting? I sigh, "no." "Why?" "Because it hurts." He thinks about that a minute. "If you won't tell me why you wear it, will you at least tell me where you got it?" What the hell. Why not? Not like it's gotta be a detailed answer. "From someone I knew, a long time ago." "Someone.....special?" "Yeah." 

He settles down, contemplating my answer. I wonder how hard it was for him, coming that far alone. "Hige?" "Hmmm?" I look at him. "Did something....bad happen to that someone?" "Yes." "I know how it feels....to lose someone. You just....just wanna....forget." Losing your whole world does hurt. I think that's one feeling all four of us know. But to forget the one you lost.... 

"No Kiba." He looks up at me, "I don't....." "If we forget, then what was the point? If we forget those we lost, then how are we supposed to remember what they taught us while they were here." "But it hurts so much to even think about...." "Because you're thinking of the bad times. Think of the good times more. It'll still hurt, but not as much." At least that's always been my method. I'd rather not think about when Mom died. With all the good times we had, in our short time together, I really don't have to. 

" 'Sides snowflake," he glares at me. "You're the one who said we have to keep moving forward. And now we've got each other, not to mention Tsume and Toboe." "You're right." He flicks his tail across my nose, making me sneeze. Apparently my attempt to lighten the mood worked. "You'll pay for that snowflake. 

Seems we got the collar business straightened out for now, so it's time for a little fun. I jump on him and we start wrestling. After a few minutes, I pin him down by sheer force of size. He struggles to get loose and I let him up. "You lose again snowflake." Kiba grins at me, "that's what you think, fluffy." He dives on me and we start over. It feels so good to play for once. It's been so long.... 

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_Chaos:_ Heey! What'cha think? They're both kinda OOC, huh? I'm gonna drag Tsume into this in the next chapter, so stay tuned. Later! 


	3. Understanding

Hige flashes back on a late night talk with Tsume, the night Toboe brought up his collar. How the two came to deal with each other and a little dealing with Tsume's feelings on Toboe. 

**Understanding**

"Hey Hige." "Yeah?" "What's with you and Tsume?" "What do you mean?" "Well, the two of you don't ignore each other, but you don't pay a whole lot of attention to one another either." "Well Kiba, I guess you could say Tsume and I have something of an understanding. I leave him alone and he leaves me alone." "Makes sense." He drops it. Good thing Kiba doesn't pry very deep. 

Tsume and I came to this understanding during a little late night discussion, the very night Toboe brought up my collar. And I know something I don't think Kiba and Toboe know. Tsume won't admit it, but he's fond of Toboe. Watching those two, I see a baby-sitter and a pup. Actually, I'm beginning to think there's a lot more to Tsume than that hardened exterior. And now that Kiba brought it up, I can't help thinking back on that night.... 

_begin flashback_

"You should sleep while you can." "Huh? Oh Tsume. You're awake." "Bad subject, I take." I look at him, slightly confused. "Your collar." That again. "Yeah, it is." Toboe whimpers slightly, and Tsume looks down at the smaller wolf curled up to him. With a look I'm sure nobody's ever seen. "You really do care about him, don't you?" He glares at me a moment, then looks away. "Not that it's any of your business." "Right. Sorry." 

We're both quiet awhile. Then, "I don't suppose that scar is a bad subject." "It is." "So there we go." "Huh?" I actually caught him off guard. That's a first. "I don't ask you about your scar..." He looks at me, suddenly understanding. "And I don't ask you about your collar, is that it?" "You got it." "Hn. Works for me." "Now about Toboe..." "Leave the small one out of this." He realizes his mistake an instant to late. 

"A bit overprotective are we?" "What's it to you?" "Nothing. Just that you seem to be hiding a lot of things from us. I get the feeling Toboe's just the beginning." He looks somewhat sullen all of a sudden. I didn't really want to bring up bad memories. "Never mind. Forget it." I pull him out of his reverie. 

A chill wind momentarily passes through the cave. I chuckle softly as Toboe cuddles up against Tsume. "You're stuck." Unfortunately for me, I was up against the cave wall. It was Tsume's turn to laugh when another gust of wind caused Kiba to snuggle up to me in his sleep. "Now who's between a rock and a hard place?" We looked at each other a moment, then both started laughing quietly. "Looks like neither of us is going anywhere tonight." "Doesn't, does it?" 

_end flashback_

I smile to myself as I remember that night. We'd talked and laughed a while longer. I'm sure that that night I saw a side of the grey wolf that few, if any, have ever seen. Our compromise that night has lasted since. Not only have we mentioned neither my collar nor his scar, but we haven't mentioned Toboe either. Sooner or later we'll probably have to broach all three subjects, but I think we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it. 

_Chaos:_ So what'd ya think? Tsume's kinda OOC, I know, but it was late night. You never know what people will be like if you catch them at a certain time. I'm building this story up, so I can't really tell you how many chapters it'll be complete. Hope ya like it and see ya next chapter. BYE! 


	4. About A Miracle

Time to dive into Hige's memory and find out a little more about his mother. As aforementioned (see chpt. 1) I don't own Wolf's Rain. Kiseki and her pack however, are mine. I will answer questions concerning language later. 

**About A Miracle**

Ever since Toboe brought up my collar, I haven't been able to stop thinking about Mom. And I know the time is coming, preferably later rather than sooner, that I'll have to tell them about her. That my collar was hers, and that I wear it 'cause it's all I have left. Scenes from when I was little come and go every chance they get. Familiar voices I'd almost forgotten ring in my ears. Under it all though, is the sound of a rifle shot, again and again. Everyone scattered. Mom took me and ran. Since then I've always just assumed no one else escaped, but I'm really not sure. Still, I can't forget.... 

_begin flashback_

"Kiseki, he's darling," the black female cooed. "What are you going to call him," the steel grey one asked. The two, along with the few other females in the pack, were spread in a circle around a large tan female. "I'm not sure yet," the sandy female said. "But I was thinking about naming him Hige." "You should," the dark brown one assured her. The subject of discussion was the small tan puppy tucked up against his mother. Between the seven of them, there was only this one for the year. And the situation was getting worse. 

"Hige it is then," and Kiseki smiled down at her young son. He was only a couple days old, which made his mother worry all the more over the feeling that something terrible was coming. But it would be nearly two months before that feeling came to a point. "What do you think Tameshí?" "Mígoto is right. It fits him," the black one answered. "You worry too much Kiseki," her dark grey friend added. "I suppose you're right Árashi, but I want him to be safe." The other six laughed, "it's a mother's right, it is," Mígoto managed. And Kiseki had more right than she realized. 

It was about six weeks later when her son's curiosity got the better of him. "_Pia_?" Kiseki turned, "yes Hige?" "Why do you where that collar?" She sighed, " because, _mahtaoyo_, it is very special to me. Not all humans are bad. One of the few that are not gave this to me as a gift. So I wear it. It was thanks for saving their life, _toquet_?" "_Toquet pia_, " the pup wasn't really satisfied though. What he wanted to know was who gave it to her. Tameshí came into view ahead of them. "_Mea-dro_, it's time to leave." She moved off, trusting the pair to follow. 

"Hige, _keemah_." "Where are we going?" Kiseki sighed again, it seemed Hige's questions were endless but she knew he was learning. "We are _noconas_. We follow the _nuepi_ where it leads us, _tsa-wa-ke_." The pup pondered this a bit, following his mother. "_Hakai pia_, what do we look for?" She didn't stop, merely answered as she walked. "Many things, _adeca_ and other food mostly, because there is so little." "What else?" His mother laughed softly, "so curious. We look for _pah-mo_ to avoid the humans and we look for the _tabbenoca_. Good things my son." He stayed quiet for awhile afterwards and the pack continued on, unaware of what was waiting for them.... 

_Chaos:_ That's right, I'm cliffhangin' it on a flashback. I'm guessin' you all didn't understand about half the conversation Hige had with his mama. I'll tell you in a sec. The language I picked up from a book: 'Ride The Wind' by Lucia St. Clair Robson. I highly recommend it. Names are Japanese the rest is from the novel. Here we go, names first. 

_**Kiseki**_ - _miracle_: this is Hige's mother 

**_Tamesh_** - _trial_: this is the black female in the pack 

**_Mígoto_** - splendor: the brown female 

**_Árashi_** - storm: the steel grey female 

I left the other three unnamed. 

**_Pia_** - mother 

_**mahtaoyo** - little one_

_**toquet** - all right_

_**mea-dro** - let's go_

_**keemah **- come_

_**noconas **- wanderers_

_**nuepi **- wind_

_**tsa-wa-ke** - looking for something good_

_**hakai** - what_

_**adeca** - deer_

_**pah-mo** - smoke_

_**tabbenoca** - sunrise_

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__That's it for now. Hope you enjoyed it and believe me there's more to come. Later!


	5. Cold Sunrise

Did ya miss me? I hope so. Anywayz, I'm back. Damn the people who interrupted Tsume's little soliloquy with a commercial. You know, where he's talking to Toboe? I was ready to cry and those fing bast-......huh? Oh, sorry. Where was I? Right chapter 5. And actually, I knew where Hige really got that collar when I started this. There's a twist here. You'll understand how it ties in with the series eventually. 

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**Cold Sunrise**__

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_Kiba's POV_

I roll over, tugging the blanket with me, trying to go back to sleep. Normally I'd be up as soon as I wake, but it's freezing in the cave and sure to be even colder outside. Sighing, I glance outside over my shoulder. The first colors of the sunrise are just beginning to show. Great, it's hardly even dawn yet. Wonder what woke me up this early? Oh well. I lay my head back down and pull the blanket up to my throat. It's small, but better than nothing, as cold as it is. 

Wait a sec. Blanket? But I shouldn't hav-... I sit up, more than a little surprised whan Hige's yellow sweatshirt rolls down into my lap. Skimming the cave, I find Tsume and Toboe quickly enough, but I don't see Hige. I get up and, carrying his sweatshirt, start outside to find him. I'm beginning to get the feeling he's what woke me up. Once outside, I don't have to look far. He's leaning against a large rock near the mouth of the cave. His hands are in his pockets, his eyes on the sunrise. He looks.... different, without his sweatshirt on. 

I suppose that should be obvious, but it's just how much different he looks that gets me. He looks so serious right now. I know he's older than me. It's just so seldom that he acts it, I think I forget sometimes. I really don't want to break the silence. I've got the feeling I shouldn't, but... "Uh, Hige?" He turns to look at me and, for just a moment, I catch a far off look in those mahogany eyes. They're not shining and cheerful like normal. Not at all. Rather they're....sad? What could he be thinking about? This isn't the Hige I know, but I'd really like him back about now. Before I can look any further in those eyes, the sadness is gone and Hige's back, treating me like a kid. 

_Hige's POV_

"Hey snowflake, what's up?" He caught me off guard. I'd have never let him see me like that. He hesitates a moment, then holds out my sweatshirt. "I brought this back. I...um-uh..." he sighs. "Thank you." I smile a little and take it from him. "Ah, forget about it." He seems almost upset, but why? Silence holds for a few moments, until Kiba breaks it uncertainly. "Hige? Uh, why'd you...I mean...." Maybe we could calm down a bit, hmm? All this stuttering and uncertainty isn't like him. I turn back to the sunrise, "you were cold, shivering. I didn't need it." 

That wasn't the answer he'd expected. "Oh. Well, thanks." My smile spreads a bit more, "_toquet_." Damn it. I wasn't thinking. How could I let that slip? Kiba's looking at me confusedly. He didn't understand that at all. "I-I don't..." I sigh, "I know you don't. It means all right." Then, more to myself than to him, "I haven't said that in a long time." I don't know how I'm gonna explain this. "Th-there's a lot you're not telling us, isn't there Hige?" I study him a moment in mild surprise. 

Sometimes, like now, I wonder just how old he is. One minute he seems so young and the next he's so mature, but all I know for sure is that he's younger than me. "Yeah, yeah there is." Heh, why not? Sooner or later, it'll have to be said. Kiba has me caught, so I might as well. No sense in repeating myself though, "Wait 'til Tsume and Toboe get up. Then I'll tell you, okay?" He nods and flops down on the ground beside me. A moment later, "how do you say sunrise?" I look down at him in surprise. His eyes are on the sun, its rim just barely on the horizon. 

"It...doesn't bother you?" He didn't understand what I said, but otherwise he seemed unfazed. "Huh? No. No, not at all. I like it actually. It-it reminds me...." He sighs, "it sounds kinda like how Mom used to talk sometimes. It's different, I mean I understood what she was saying. But it's the same too, somehow." So, his mother spoke another language. "_Tabbenoca_. Sunrise. And you are an _esa tosa_, a white wolf." He thinks about that a minute, "_tabbenoca_?" I nod, "_tasura,_ that's it." He smiles a little, "it was a pretty sunrise, wasn't it?" I look back to the sun, now in full view. "Yeah, it was." So much better, than that blood red sunrise, the last we ever saw together. And I can't help but wonder, if I can tell them, without crying or getting choked up.... 

_Chaos:_ So, do you hate me for skipping around everywhere yet? Personally I'm enjoying this fic. Now really, is it just me or do I have a habit of making Kiba sound kinda young? Anyway, I thank you for reading. In fact, I'm so happy: a Wolf's Rain plushie for each reviewer! Back to my earlier rant: Cartoon Network's takin' Wolf's Rain off. Why?! The ratings can't possibly be bad. We've done almost 600 fics on it in about 5 months. That means we like it. A LOT! And they've only run it through once! Wha-? Oh. Stop me before I get started next time. 

And for those of you who didn't catch our little Comanche lesson: 

**_toquet_** - all right 

_**tabbenoca** - sunrise_

_**esa** - wolf_

_**tosa** - white_

_**tasura** - that's it_

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__See you next chapter!


	6. Blood and Tears

All right, this chapter follows the flashback in chapter 4 by about two weeks. The whole thing's just one big flashback and we have very little Hige in it. All further explanation shall take place at the end of the chapter. Thank you and enjoy. 

**Blood and Tears**

The massive tan head jerked up as a rifle shot rang out. Mahogany eyes watched in horror as the black wolf crumpled to the ground. The smaller brown wolf behind her screamed. Instantly Kiseki was searching for the source. Before she found it, two more shots thundered. At the same time. Meaning there was more than one. Mígoto fell to the ground beside Tameshí. Some distance away an ashen male collapsed. Árashi moved toward Kiseki, cowering behind the larger body. "Kiseki, what's happening?" Tan ears flicked back momentarily, then forward again, still searching. "Humans. Hunters, looking for something to kill."

The grey female sank back, "so they're killing us." Kiseki nodded slowly. Suddenly she realized someone was missing. "Hige! _Ha-itska ein mahtaoyo_?" In her sudden, frantic search, Kiseki leaped away from Árashi just as another shot sounded. Kiseki turned back, watching as the other female hit the ground. "No, Árashi. That sh-should've...should've been me. But Hige....." There was nothing she could do, so she bounded off in search of her son and her mate in the midst of the mayhem. Then the large reddish brown male was before her.

"Kagu, where's Hige?" Her voice was near hysteric, and it raised with each syllable. "I don't know," he answered. "I've been looking all over for both of you." They nuzzled briefly, then broke apart. "We have to find. He can't be too far." Kagu nodded, "we'll have to split. It'll be easier to find him." Kiseki agreed, "and it'll be harder to hit us." After a final kiss, the two bounded apart in search of their son.

Meanwhile, the small puppy was in a niche he'd found in a rock. He'd been there since the turmoil started and had so remained, watching the confusion before him. He seemed safe enough from whatever was killing his pack, but he couldn't see his mother or father anywhere. In fact, the only other one he could see that was still standing, wasn't too much older than himself. But she was older than him, and that counted. "Mitsukai!"

The off white female turned, searching for who had called her name. When she finally spotted Hige, she ran over to where he was. "Ay, _mahtaoyo_, are you all right?" She lay down against the rock and the pup cuddled against her, glad the two year old was there. At least he had someone. "Are you hurt, Hige?" He shook his head, "I'm scared. Mitsukai, what's going on?" She sighed, and looked around at all the fallen wolves. "I don't know Hige, I just don't know....."

_Chaos:_ Does anyone hate me for cliffhanger flashbacks yet? Anyone? I'm scared thinking of the possibilities. I'm also impressed with how long this fic is getting. When I started I was thinkin' maybe 3-4 chapters. Now it's at 6 going on 7 and doesn't feel anywhere near done. Oh well, keeps me busy. Now for what you might not know:

**Kagu -- **_to scent, to smell:_ Hige's father

**Mitsukai -- **_angel:_ 2 yr old off white female

**_mahtaoyo _-- **_little one_

_**ha-itska ein -- **__where are you_


	7. What White Means To Me

Hige's thoughts on the two white wolves he's known in his life and how they've helped him in so many different ways. 

**What White Means To Me**

My own color has always been my favorite, I think. Not because it's mine so much, but because it was my mother's and she meant a lot to me. There's another color that that means a lot to me though, as I've come to realize lately. It's the one I first learned as "_tosa_". _White_. A color I'd be lost without. 

Mitsukai was white. An off white, creamy really, but white nonetheless. It was because of her Mother found me that day. Despite everything, and all that I've lost, I'm glad for what she did for me. Mitsukai was the first white wolf I ever saw. 

Most of our pack was darker in color. Grey or brown, black and a few with reddish tones. And there was her. Our lone _esa tosa_. I'm surprised she wasn't the first the hunters shot. She stood out against the rest of us like that so much. But she was actually one of the last to go down. 

And it's becauseof that, because of her, that I'm here for my new _esa tosa_... 

"Do you want to go with me?" 

"Where to?" 

"To Paradise." 

And, whatever the reason, I said yes. 

So here I am, part of a misfit pack of four, in search of a flower maiden to open the gates of Paradise. Funny what one little color can get you into. But even so, I like white. It's a good color. It's pure, and strong. And I've found that it's always there when you need it... 

Meh. Short chappie. But long review responses. I gotta catch up and I don't want to leave anyone out, but you don't _have_ to read these if you don't want to or haven't the time. 

**Joce --** Yes, I like calling him "snowflake". It fits him. He's white and soft. If they're not careful, one of these days they're gonna lose Kiba in all that snow. 

**odd-12345 -- **To be honest, this is getting to be a lot longer than I originally intended. 

**alesca munroe --** I don't make you sign in anymore. Sorry 'bout that. 

**Rubber Shuriken --** Thankies for telling me this. I hope it's better now. 

**KittenGaurdian --** one word Thankies I will! 

**Shadow Angel5 -- **Thankies much. Sorry about my sporadic updating. I haven't watched Wolf's Rain in weeks. 

**Eco Child --** It's supposed to be sad. That's what I'm going for. I know what you mean about cliffies. They suck when you're the reader. But when you're the writer, then they're fun, 'cause you get more reviews. I'll try not to confuse you too much. 

**NaruNaru.O.k --** Nah, it's Comanche. But I love it and just had to use it in something. So here it is. Yes, a cliffhanger! Mwahahahacoughhack aw forget it. 

**digital-tiffany --** My lil cousin is in karate. I hate push-ups too, but I like writing this fic, so there will be more. 

**Keisuke fan --** Meh. I have seen the whole thing. I just don't like the way Hige got his collar in the anime. 

**LoneWarrior2 --** It's getting so long, I can't believe it. I don't think Kiba's _way_ younger than Hige. A year or two maybe, but not much. 

**CabbyWolf --** Meh. Like Keisuke fan said. They do tell you where he got that in the anime. But I don't like it, so I wrote a different version. I read lots of books on wolves to keep them in-species in all my fics too. Not sure why I called her 'miracle'. Probably in keeping with my other two adult females (Forgiven and Forbidden). Isn't he just darling? 

**The Planner Conspiracy --** Yeah. I know. I'm terrible at regular updates. I'm afraid you just gotta take what you can get with me. 

**Rei-Starwind -- **Wow, so many people like the Comanche. And even more people like the fic. 

**gintatsu --** I usually try to keep them as in character as possible. And that's a really good book, but it's pretty long. 

**DemiSaiyan -- **Kiba da snowflake! Yeah, I like that nickname for him. And yeah, I do think Hige's older. He just doesn't act like it. He's too easygoing. 

**anonymous --** But I LIKE writing cliffhangers... 

**Kimberly -- **I try to make it as unconfusing as possible but sometimes it just doesn't work. 

**hottie from hell --** Uh...to tell you the truth _I_ don't know how those three are gonna react yet. I'm gifted? Thankies! 

**alfawolf --** I rock? Wowzies, someone thinks I rock. Cool. 

_is overwhelmed by sheer number of reviews and faints_


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